As anyone who has read this journal from time to time knows, lately I've been assaulted by death of significant humans and beloved birds. Being 76 years old, I am becoming more intimate with death; sooner than later now, death and I will become one.
I'm not bummed by this. To the contrary, I am intrigued.
I recall a lunch at Pam's when she asked a 93-year-old guest what she thought about death.
"I don't think about it," the woman replied with her usual sweet smile. "I know that when I die Jesus will pick me up and take me to heaven."
How many of us at the table of six shared her views, I don't know. I personally don't buy into the heaven or hell scenario. It sounds terribly boring either way.
What do I believe, then? Until recently, nothing. But something got me thinking, wondering.
One evening more than a year ago I fainted dead away. Sitting in the rolling office chair at my desk, I felt it coming: everything was going grey. I called to Dennis that I was going to pass out. Dennis, bless his heart, rushed downstairs and held on to me.
"I'm going," I mumbled, "I'm going." And I went. Dennis thought I was dead, gave me mouth-to-mouth and called 911.
The culprit was a UTI, as it turned out. Visiting with my doctor in the hospital, I told him Dennis thought I was dying and that I had blacked out as if a dimmer switch in my brain had slowly turned down and completely off.
"Oh," he replied, "you couldn't have been dying. When my father died he said everything was growing lighter and lighter. When people die they see brilliant light."
Ah, Enlightenment! Maybe when Buddhists talk about enlightenment it's about getting a sneak preview of the infinite light. Maybe when Hank Williams sang, "Praise the Lord, I saw the light," he, too, had a glimpse of the future.
When Steve Jobs died recently he reportedly said, "Oh, wow! Oh, wow! Oh wow!" I figure he saw the light.
I'm sort of sorry to be coming to this belief because I had hoped to be reincarnated as a crow.
I'm not bummed by this. To the contrary, I am intrigued.
I recall a lunch at Pam's when she asked a 93-year-old guest what she thought about death.
"I don't think about it," the woman replied with her usual sweet smile. "I know that when I die Jesus will pick me up and take me to heaven."
How many of us at the table of six shared her views, I don't know. I personally don't buy into the heaven or hell scenario. It sounds terribly boring either way.
What do I believe, then? Until recently, nothing. But something got me thinking, wondering.
One evening more than a year ago I fainted dead away. Sitting in the rolling office chair at my desk, I felt it coming: everything was going grey. I called to Dennis that I was going to pass out. Dennis, bless his heart, rushed downstairs and held on to me.
"I'm going," I mumbled, "I'm going." And I went. Dennis thought I was dead, gave me mouth-to-mouth and called 911.
The culprit was a UTI, as it turned out. Visiting with my doctor in the hospital, I told him Dennis thought I was dying and that I had blacked out as if a dimmer switch in my brain had slowly turned down and completely off.
"Oh," he replied, "you couldn't have been dying. When my father died he said everything was growing lighter and lighter. When people die they see brilliant light."
Ah, Enlightenment! Maybe when Buddhists talk about enlightenment it's about getting a sneak preview of the infinite light. Maybe when Hank Williams sang, "Praise the Lord, I saw the light," he, too, had a glimpse of the future.
When Steve Jobs died recently he reportedly said, "Oh, wow! Oh, wow! Oh wow!" I figure he saw the light.
I'm sort of sorry to be coming to this belief because I had hoped to be reincarnated as a crow.
1 comment:
Oh, how I love this piece, Mother! I honestly think you should have a column in either The New York Times or The New Yorker, but this way, we get to read your work for free! I so appreciate your insights!
Much love to you, Mamacita!
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