The semiannual Chicken Tournament matches have been dominated by the Raccoons, whose leader, Masked Bandit, said today, "The Domers' defense is full of holes. We haven't encountered any plays yet that we can't get around.
Over the course of four matches, the Raccoons have won three, taking a total of seven hens off their roost. So far the Domers have failed to devise a strategy to foil the Raccoons' offense.
Michael Soft, speaking for the Domers today said, "Unfortunately one of our team members is physically disabled and cannot execute defensive plays without screwing up." He added, "In the interest of fair play the Raccoons should give our team a handicap."
Domers team member S. Domer, who failed to latch both sides of the little chicken door from the inside last night, said that her fused wrists were unable to manipulate both door hooks. "It took me five minutes just to latch one side. I thought that would be enough."
Overnight the Raccoons team members pried the little door open, pulling out an eye screw that held the door secure, thus winning the match by snatching two hens off the roost and killing them. The Domers have lost seven of their twelve hens in the course of the tournament.
The Domers sequestered their five remaining hens in the chicken house today with all locks in place. Soft said in his statement to the press that an entirely new defensive strategy is under development and that his team will soon take an aggressive offensive position.
The Domers won the second match by closing the chicken door and engaging its external latches, but the Raccoons soon learned to open the latches. Subsequently the Domers have devised progressively complex defensive moves, but each has failed.
Pat Bottoms, sports writer for the Willow Springs Sentinal, says the Domers now face a do or die moment in the tournament. "The tournament will end when the Domers have lost all their chickens," he said, "and that day is not far off unless they take a more aggressive position. No team wins on defense alone."
Over the course of four matches, the Raccoons have won three, taking a total of seven hens off their roost. So far the Domers have failed to devise a strategy to foil the Raccoons' offense.
Michael Soft, speaking for the Domers today said, "Unfortunately one of our team members is physically disabled and cannot execute defensive plays without screwing up." He added, "In the interest of fair play the Raccoons should give our team a handicap."
Domers team member S. Domer, who failed to latch both sides of the little chicken door from the inside last night, said that her fused wrists were unable to manipulate both door hooks. "It took me five minutes just to latch one side. I thought that would be enough."
Overnight the Raccoons team members pried the little door open, pulling out an eye screw that held the door secure, thus winning the match by snatching two hens off the roost and killing them. The Domers have lost seven of their twelve hens in the course of the tournament.
The Domers sequestered their five remaining hens in the chicken house today with all locks in place. Soft said in his statement to the press that an entirely new defensive strategy is under development and that his team will soon take an aggressive offensive position.
The Domers won the second match by closing the chicken door and engaging its external latches, but the Raccoons soon learned to open the latches. Subsequently the Domers have devised progressively complex defensive moves, but each has failed.
Pat Bottoms, sports writer for the Willow Springs Sentinal, says the Domers now face a do or die moment in the tournament. "The tournament will end when the Domers have lost all their chickens," he said, "and that day is not far off unless they take a more aggressive position. No team wins on defense alone."
1 comment:
I'm in a fit of giggles with a side dish of horror! I guess the only thing one can do in a situation like this is to use humor to soften the blow and the sports metaphor is brilliant!
I say you guys just better roll a giant rock or wheelbarrow over the opening. I don't think raccoons understand the kind of teamwork it would require to move a large object from the opening. Off course, the handicapped player may be at a disadvantage with rolling a rock as well.
Good Luck!
Love you so much, Mamacita!
Thanks for the humor! You are a wonderful role model to us all!
Post a Comment